lessons on repeat

Lessons on repeat.

I keep having to g(r)o(w) through the same lesson on repeat in my life. 

I don't know what to call this kind of lesson, per se. 

Ever since I was little, I have known psychological manipulation. It's one of the reasons I have had a complicated relationship with a biological parent.  

Throughout my life, I attract and often times have gotten close to people that are masters at manipulation. I would go as far to say that some are quite the cons at life. Either by leading double lives or taking advantage of others. 

By zooming out of my childhood, I can see that my dad's way of trying to get more time with his daughter, and perhaps win her over, was through the art of manipulation. It created more harm than good. It created more disconnection than connection. This has been one of my most complicated relationships.

There have been other players with such mastery in my life. 

I once had a yoga teacher that took me under her wing in hopes that I could give her "Instagram fame." 

Writing that grosses me out.

Maybe "gross" isn't the right word because it's actually pain.

Because being used sucks. Having someone pretend to care for me only to have an undercover agenda for her own self-serving ways is downright hurtful.

I feel like my child self when I feel this kind of pain.

The thing is, I have expectations that humans will be decent to one another; to help each other and, you know, not try to take hurt each other.

I know that expectations lead to pain. Yet, here I am full of expectations.

I don't know if I've allowed myself to stomp and tantrum about this particular experience. I very much hold things in as though they will just go away by my zipping up. Like I'm too proud to feel hurt by something or someone.

I don't want to live with that kind of pride.

Because it only perpetuates the cycle of numb and keeps me much too guarded

I read something yesterday from the book, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. 

Choose to Heal (you may have to hit 'display image' at the top of your email):

Be willing to feel.

Perhaps my lessons will remain on repeat so long as I choose to zip up, close off, and run.

This is my work. To unzip, remain open, and live my truth. 

Such lessons are not about the other person or that thing -- they're really about myself. How I show up and how I will continue to show up.

To do no harm, but take no shit.

Trust. Trust. Trust. 

And to keep trusting my-mother-f-ing-self.


Today's Write Club Prompt (WCW):
What lesson do you have on repeat in your life? Maybe it's dating the same person again and again. Or having the same arguments with your partner. It's impossible to change another person, all we can do is change ourselves.

What is something you can do differently the next time this lesson makes its way to the front? The note of your habits (unconscious act). Create a ritual (a conscious act) for yourself to move forward in a positive direction. Explore this.