wild and out

Let women be wild. 

This has been sticking with me over the last several days. 

The feminine, in particular. 

The feminine is meant to move, fluctuate, and feel. High, low, and in-between. It's like sitting in the front seat of a moving car with your arm out the window making waves with your cupped palm and the wind.

Yet, as a young girl, all I've ever been taught is to not be too much.

Stay in line. 
Close your legs. 
Quiet your voice. 
Don't talk back.
Stop crying. 

In my twenties:
Stay small.
Close your eyes.
Quiet your screams.
Don't speak out.
The crying stopped.

Women are expected to stay small and quiet.

Be as little as possible in order to be presentable. 

I made good money as a cocktail waitress at a private club. I was quiet and small. I needed to pay rent. During those years, I had to completely disconnect from my body as my livelihood depended on a smile.

I learned a lot about married men at this job. How they'd put their hands in places without permission. I'd bite my tongue at the disgusting slurs whilst being slipped 20's, 50's, and 100's. I'd report the over aggressive types and ones that followed me to my car at night only to have my female boss tell me to "thicken my skin and just take it." 

There were a few times I slapped hands or said, "stop!" only to be called a "bitch" and forfeit my tips. 

The smell of Scotch to this day reminds me of my smallness during that time. 

It taught me to disconnect, stay neutral, dumb myself down, live apologetically, and play the part in order to get paid. 

I still catch myself falling into the trap of playing the part. 

There is no power in that. 

It shows up in my life at times, too. 

I'll tip-toe in an attempt to not be too much. Or I'll caution myself on what to say in person and question what I post online. Or I'll justify/explain things about my life in order to soften myself. And for what?! And for whom?! Certainly, not for me.

There is no real power in that. When I hold myself down or back. 

I'm not interested in being neutral or small for the comfort of others. Much of my life was built on that. It led to taking money from grabby hands, collecting partners to numb, and kept me running from myself. 

I am not willing to step back into that way of life. 

I recognize that I will lose people, they will ridicule and insult my character, and attempt to shake me down for not living up to their comfort bubbles. 

And that's okay. 

The way of the woman is in the wild.

Without apology. Without explanation. Without hesitation.

Leave us wild. 

Wild and out, 

Steph

Write Club Prompt:
Do you live your wild? What does it feel like when you live your wild?