Show up anyway

Email #2, not to be confused with #1...but not that #2 unless you're reading this while...never mind.

Email #2, part of me wonders if I should number these or not? My brain likes organization and tallying. I like things mostly kept and clean. It calms me.

And right now I am challenging the heck out of myself to sit and type while my kitchen is a complete shit-show from this morning's school readying routine. Gathering and repeating myself like a broken record is not my favorite thing in the whole world. Another non-favorite thing: is coordinating my life on someone else's time clock. In this avenue: getting a first-grader on time to school is the pits. 

Thank god, the kids do yoga first thing in the morning at his school so we can get away with being late. 

My son doesn't like yoga. At least the yoga at school.

People ask me all the time if my son likes it and they're often surprised when I say no. I probably scarred him from doing it so much when he was a baby/toddler and making videos to share with the world on instagram. 

I swear he liked it back then, I have loads of pictures and videos to prove it. Like this one

Now, not so much. 

This brings me to another point. I am writing you before I head out to teach on a day I really don't feel like teaching (gasp!). 

While this is rare for me. Most days I am so excited to teach.

Today is not that day. 

People seem to think that yoga teachers are pumped full of positivity and always in the mood for a yoga practice/class. It's just not true. Or is it just me?

There's a pedestal complex that I've been trying to dismantle ever since becoming a teacher. Yoga teachers are humans, like everyone else; living, breathing, mistake-making, sometimes havoc-creating, emotionally wild, judgmental, complex and perplexed beings with actions that don't always match with our mouths and belief systems.

There's too much pressure to post up and plant doses of inspiration. I have often driven myself into the ground trying to be something I am not and teach something I don't necessarily believe in. 

I do love teaching yoga, but I don't love everything yoga has to offer. I don't buy into kissing the feet of a guru in the name of service or forcing myself into poses to achieve some form of advancement. I don't think every pose is for every body, some of it is completely outdated. Chanting is not my thing and much prefer to put godly beliefs to private than preach to a room full of people I don't know. I believe enlightenment is too big of a word for me to really grasp its concept. To name a few... 

I have my jaded moments in this very short time of my teaching career. In the last three years, I've had my heart broken, betrayed, and used by teachers prominent in the community. I've entrusted people with my near-death experiences, depression, and darkened secrets only to have those experiences drive another's manipulation. There are concerts of feedback sessions that were ego-driven and completely unhelpful. Many people are not thrilled that I teach yoga online and have some success surrounding this yoga business. 

I do know this: hurt people hurt people.

There are voices in the applause as well as the critical. And there's always that one critic, comment, or a series of messed up complaints that travels beneath the skin. Perhaps we let those triple C's take up space because sometimes we actually believe those BS troll lines sometimes. Or they make us question what the hell we are doing up there and who do we think we are up there spiel.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm standing on one big chopping block.

Which is lonely and terrifying. 

And exhausting.

The kind of exhausting that wears down the 3 hairs on each of my big toes exhausting. 

Somedays, when I am not in the mood to teach, the above tries to creep in to sway me into sabotage. 

I have to work really fucking hard to kick my own butt. 

And that means showing up even when I don't want to. 

And being honest about it.

Today, I showed up and taught. I came back to this draft so I could write its outcome. The class was fucking amazing. The room was abuzz before we began and we had a blast. The people that show up teach me.

Days likes this remind me that its good to get out of my own way. All that hurt, loneliness, and feeling terrified at times does not rule my life/career. It pulses me to press on.

Shift happens when you show up, when we show up.

Here is someone that shows up, meet Lara. She's one of my favorite movement yoga teachers and is a longtime physical therapist. We met in Aruba in 2015 while we both filmed for oneOeight and was one of the first teachers that rocked my world in movement. She changed the teaching game for me by reminding me to never hit snooze on this booty!

Put people in your life that ignite you and ignite those very same people.