Even if my love must come from a distance

Sometimes I wonder if you’d be at my side without the reach. Sometimes I wonder if the fantasy of the “now” that’s attached to my name is a gain for your game. Sometimes I wonder if you actually see me for me instead of see me for what I can do for you. Sometimes I wonder between these guessing games of what’s genuine and true. Sometimes the lines of integrity bleed from lack and take curves to lies. I begin to guard up, free from engage, and retreat into silence. Sometimes it is hard to see what is right beneath your very own nose.
I do not aim to separate, I aim to see. I don’t take comfort in dismissals and fluff. I cannot feed myself with bullshit and churn to understanding. There’s no healing to be made looking up at such pedestal. I look to myself in order to see. I was a great use to you, until I wasn’t.
It will be like this. At times, of wonder. The answers will come when they’ve rested in my body. I’ve snapped the blanket and it’s settled. No more questioning, only moving through truth. No more fighting, only moving in love. This I know is certain. That of which is me, has always been me, from the days of birth until now.
Always me.
Always loving.
Even if my love must come from a distance.

stephanie birch