Because of you, I live.

I keep this photo to remember your small frame, newly walking legs. I keep this photo to remember the few words that gurgled out from your lips, the firsts: “dada, mama, ball, and delicious.” I keep this photo in my favorites album, with each new device, this is one of the few that transfers. I keep this photo because it represents the beauty of motherhood and the despairs of depression. I keep this photo to glance back, once or maybe twice a year. I keep this photo for importance, to not be the face of darkness, but coming in to the light.
This was a time where life pulled me to my knees, occasionally keeping me to my sheets. This is the time I began to really connect with my yoga practice. This is the time I was digging the nail beds into the earth, at times wishing to sink and other times wishing to claw. I think of this time incredibly hard, yet unmistakably beautiful. This photo represents a moment between you and me, both of reflection in pain and joy. I do believe you can have the weight of the world and yet, somehow, feel on top of it too. I do believe you can feel the juxtaposition of every emotion, all at once. To feel so much happiness even in the darkest of days. I know this well, because I’ve lived here for a time. I will always keep this photo to remember that time.
This photo of me blowing you air kisses as my shins lift you to take flight. I hope you know you lifted me in ways I cannot express. I hope you know you are my greatest teacher. I hope you know that you are always loved, always lifted, always supported, and always a gift. You came in to this world as the biggest surprise, through a beautiful storm, a beautiful mess, a life as the message. I love you more than you know. Remembering here, this moment, to know how far we’ve come. Because of you, I live. #holymotherhood

stephanie birch